Haemorrhoid

THE HAEMORRHOID SONG

How to be ill and stay happy

(to the tune of "Coming round the mountain")

Here's a little thing I tossed off the other day whilst waiting to be discharged from the Agnes Dewdrop Memorial Hospital following a rather painful operation, and it goes like this:

Patients are quite happy when they're plastered,

Patients are quite social in a splint;

But lean them on their crutch

They don't thank you very much

For the tightness of the bandage makes them squint.

And the chorus goes after this fashion:

Haemorrhoids aren't funny when you've got 'em;

Haemorrhoids aren't pleasant when they're pink.

Haemorrhoids go red if you lie on them in bed

And you have to go and cool 'em in the sink.

Verse two....

Chemists can be tight when they're dispensing;

Chemists can be useful when you're sick,

But when you're really ill

They insert a little pill

Up the entrance that is opposite your "dick".

Oh.....

Haemorrhoids aren't funny when you've got 'em;

Haemorrhoids aren't pleasant when they're pink.

Haemorrhoids go red if you lie on them in bed

And you have to go and cool 'em in the sink.

Two, three......

Nurses hands are often very soothing;

Nurses hands can make your tool react;

But a nurse's little hands

Can be deft with rubber bands,

And she'll fix the tube before you can contract.

Oh.....

Haemorrhoids aren't funny when you've got 'em;

Haemorrhoids aren't pleasant when they're pink.

Haemorrhoids go red if you lie on them in bed

And you have to go and cool 'em in the sink.

Nurse, the screens......

Doctors can be horrid when you're dying;

Doctors can screw things into your head;

Doctors can be silly

When they're poking at your willy,

So you'd better tuck it up inside your bed.

Oh.....

Haemorrhoids aren't funny when you've got 'em;

Haemorrhoids aren't pleasant when they're pink.

Haemorrhoids go red if you lie on them in bed

And you have to go and cool 'em in the sink.

Ooooh!......the curried eggs ...

Surgeons can be violent when they're cutting;

Surgeons can be dangerous when they're drunk;

Surgeons have a table

Where they write the little label

Which they tie around the bits below your trunk!

Ah.....

Haemorrhoids aren't funny when you've got 'em;

Haemorrhoids aren't pleasant when they're pink.

Haemorrhoids go red if you lie on them in bed

And you have to go and cool 'em in the sink.

Scalpel ......

Morticians like to gather up the pieces;

Morticians like to put them in a sack;

Morticians have a yen

For dead women and dead men,

Which thankfully is something that I lack.

Oh.....

Haemorrhoids aren't funny when you've got 'em;

Haemorrhoids aren't pleasant when they're pink.

Haemorrhoids go red if you lie on them in bed

And you have to go and cool 'em in the sink.

Errr, thank you very much.

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